nobody's perfect but...

i'm so sorry if i have to post this but i have nobody to talk to and feeling so disappointed while experiencing extreme pain seems too much to take for now. there's gonna be some ranting ahead so if you're not my b, i guess you better skip reading this. the only reason for this post is just for me to let these bad feelings out and for b to know my sentiments...

i think that the age old adage "nobody's perfect" is already worn out, so much so that it's become a cliche. i do believe that nobody's perfect..but i believe that a person can change for the best. i am so sure of this because i did it..i've transformed into this other better person that it now feels so awful when i look at the old me more than 4 years ago.

those changes, i must admit, were brought about by love. i don't have to enumerate those things but it has something to do with my temper, my outlook in life, my self esteem...things i thought were inherent in me because those are the traits i somehow got from my parents. the driving force of those changes was my willingness to make this one person happy, to stop hurting his feelings. and guess what, i became a better me not only with him but with the people around me.

when i was a kid, watching not so good love stories in tv or in the movies always made me cry. i kept wishing that i would find someone who will truly love me and only me. i am the jealous type so i hate hate hate babaeros/chickboys. i'm sorry for saying this but i don't think i would fall in love with a man who has a love child with another woman. i just can't take that. my man having another woman is a mortal sin in my book, i don't think i can ever forgive him if that happens. this is why i consider myself very lucky with my b coz he's a one-woman-man, a rare gem these days. unbelievable but true.

he's such a very good, kindhearted, patient, caring man. he makes me feel really secure..the feeling that i'm the hottest, most gorgeous woman he's ever laid eyes on. sure he looks at pretty chicks and downloads porn but he has this way of letting me feel that he's so lucky to be with me and that i'm the best girl ever. and i really really appreciate that.

however, i have to go back to the "nobody's perfect" thingie. almost every woman dreams of having a sweet gentleman for a boyfriend. someone who picks her up on a date, open the car door, pull the chair in the restaurant, and most specially give surprises. my man is sweet in a sense that he accepts the responsibility of giving me a bright future, worries about it and does everything in his power to give me the best life. and i love him more for that. very ideal right? who wouldn't want a man like that? but i have to admit, i get jealous of those girls who receive gifts on special occasions like birthdays, christmas, anniversaries. there were surprises, yes. but on the 10 yrs that we're together, i can barely count those surprises on my fingers. aside from that one birthday surprise 4 yrs ago, i always cry on my birthday because i'm always expecting that somehow, the wind will change and that i'll have a surprise within the day. we never celebrate valentines day and i'm totally ok with that because of the traffic and the crowd (i hate crowds!). we don't celebrate our anniversary because frankly, we don't have any. christmas gifts are always in cash spent for shopping, where's the thought in that? i know that he considers these occasions just mere regular days, but for me, i do value those days. 365 days in a year, those are less than 5 special days to look forward to, to celebrate another milestone, another year well spent, and to do something extra special. gifts need not always be material. sure i have good taste and he does not, why give up on that? the point is, i do feel loved and cared for, but a woman loves surprises, it makes her even happier to be in that relationship, it makes her feel extra loved and appreciated. any woman who disagrees with me is very much welcome to comment.

to you my dear one, here are some tips. i hope you save and memorize this post because i don't wanna go on and on about this stuff again and again most specially when nothing is happening. and you know how bad i am in keeping my tears at bay during confrontations.

there are different aspects of a relationship. i believe all those aspects need to be in balance in order to have a happy relationship. if it's lacking in one aspect, there's a tendency for it to start crumbling. and i think what we're lacking at is the element of surprise, of spontaneity. because sometimes, it can get a little boring to be doing the same thing over and over again. there's gotta be a breather that's something different, something fresh, something we haven't tried before.

i'm an adventurer. i like to try out new stuff esp when it comes to food and places. i'm a gallivant, i want to try to go to those places featured in blogs, magazine articles or tv shows. everything need not be planned in advance and everything need not be expensive. my adrenaline is on a rush everytime a good plan is made in the spur of the moment. you know how i love road trips. take me somewhere a bit far with only a bottle of water and a bag of nuts or chips and i would enjoy. i want to experience a little picnic at a park, an early breakfast at some coffee joint where there are only the two of us, an early morning trip out of town (you know how i love early mornings), have a drink at a bar (with band on the side) during weekdays....there are so much to do, lots of possibilities. you just need to be aware and be concerned. sometimes, you have to think out of the box..not everything is just about business, relax your mind, think about something else even for just a while.

please please do take charge. don't always rely on me to bring you to places. hellooo, i'm not the guy here. do your own research. even if it's not your forte, you can always try. browse the sites in my fave links and you will probably awe me.

also, do listen to what i say. especially when i ask you to divert me from something. frankly, this thing i'm feeling right now worries me. it really is painful and i'm just trying to act as normal as possible. just like what you said, mind over matter. it's actually getting a bit difficult already and i'm just praying that it's nothing serious, pushing my mind to think that it's just a misplaced vein.

to be honest, i know you too well to read what you're feeling so you don't have to go accusing me of judging you too fast. you know i would do everything to make you happy and make you feel better and make you eat healthy foods and make you inspired...it doesn't have to go one way. i do appreciate everything you've done for me but something's missing..i'm not saying it's not enough..it's just that you have to bring back the excitement.

and just so you know, inviting me out once for coffee after letting you know that i'm disappointed at how the evening turned out does not make it sincere. you have to be a little bit persistent. but then again, in my honest opinion, i don't really think you were sincere in asking me out a while ago.

there, i think i've said my piece...