a few lenten reflections and a case of gluttony just after holy week

happy easter everyone!

so, how was your easter? since this is the day that we christians celebrate the resurrection of jesus christ, it signifies new life. renewal. saying good bye to the old ways and hello to the new. well no matter how it is put, the point is to change for the better.

i could think of a hundred things i'd like to improve about myself but i obviously cannot do them all at once so i'm going to start with the root of it all, improve on my self-worth. i must admit that i look down on myself most of the time. i underestimate my capabilities just because i feel i know nothing and i'm not good at anything. i'm actually afraid of making mistakes in front of people. i fear that if i said or did something wrong, people will think i'm stupid so i'd rather say nothing than say the wrong thing. also, having no self-esteem leads me to being a pleaser. i feel as if all my choices and decisions aren't any good. i can't say NO to people coz if i do, i'm afraid they will only look down on me all the more. well, it's always been my habit to sacrifice my own needs for the sake of a loved one. but when it comes to dealing with other people, it has been my mentality that if they are pleased, they will like me. wrong! i tend to forget the phrase you can't please everyone, no?

geez, seems like this lack of self-esteem is one major thing that's dragging me down. building it up looks like a very very huge feat and i honestly don't know where or how to start. but with the help of b, i know i can do it so wish me luck.

anyway, that moments of fasting must have taken its toll on me. i've been craving for ice monster, cake, hotdogs, brother's burger, bolognese and chips. does it make me a terrible person if i've satisfied 3 of my cravings just before easter ended? coz right after dinner, b and i went out and bought a choco roll cake and cheese tortillos. he also brought me a small bowl of spag (about 2 cups of pasta) that they cooked yesterday. me eating a large bag of chips, spag and a slice of cake while watching dvd resulted to a bursting tummy. i actually had a hard time breathing a while ago coz my tummy's never been this full in ages. whew! maybe i also gotta work on disciplining my diet and exercise habits.