ranting to remove the negative thoughts out of my system

for the past couple of days, our home seems to be enveloped by some kind of dark spirit trying to lure members of my family into its lair. almost everyone is acting up like crazy. this dark spirit took away the noise of laughter and corny but sweet conversations we normally have. sometimes i feel like i'm talking to robots because my questions have only 1- or 2-word answers. there are even times when there's no answer at all but instead i get a frown. i have been doing everything in my power to fight this dark spirit and bring the harmony back in our home. but sadly, i am outnumbered coz some of them are already on the dark side.

i always want my loved ones to be happy that i will sacrifice my own needs for them. in short, i am a complete pleaser. i know i have my shortcomings but that doesn't give anyone of them the liberty of treating me like i don't exist. in this particular day that i chose to make myself happy rather than just give in to someone's whims, it's like i've never ever been a good person..ever.

in my defense (if ever there really is a need to defend myself), 1)i invited her a lot of times to spend bonding time together, she always refuse 2)my activity for today was already planned since yesterday and i always do first come, first served basis 3)it rarely happens that b invites me to go to somewhere different so i don't want this opportunity to pass 4)i am too excited to have a change of scenery 5)i am excited to purchase an mp3 player 6)i gladly said we'll just make it tomorrow instead, but she just rolled her eyes.

sigh...i just can't believe this. all my life of doing what she wants me to do and being what she wants me to be, the slate is always cleared on the few times that i choose to do what i want. i have no choice but to prove myself all over again.

so now, i'm having a pounding headache.

at least i've had the change of scenery i have long been waiting for, have eaten in a new resto that is not found in any other malls and got satisfied with the meal, i already have an mp3 player and cool soothing music to go with it, and i have b whom i love dearly and happily spent the whole afternoon with.

food for thought

i was able to catch the ending of a show in discovery channel which is called top 10 weird foods. #1 on the list is our very own BALUT (boiled duck egg for the unfamiliar). i've had balut a lot of times but i can't stomach the idea of eating the baby duck itself (with its tiny head and feet sticking out of the white substance covering it..i feel bad for poor little ducky) so i only eat the broth and its soft yellow part drizzled with a little vinegar. yum!

i was squinting my eyes while they were showing other weird foods that made it to the list, most of which are insects (and some are actually still alive when it's put into the mouth). but the nutritionist said we should not be squeamish on eating insects because a lot of the foods we eat contain quite a number of it. your breakfast of a fresh orange juice and a slice of bread, for example, contains (sorry i can't remember the exact amount) insect eggs and larvae. mmm..yummy!

b will always be my knight in shining armor

i started the day with a bad news. the canadian owners of my dad's company decided to stop its philippine operations which barely even started yet. i was so devastated when i heard it because it has been our saving grace when my family decided to go back here from US. now, we're back to a state of uncertainty. as much as i would like to shoulder all the expenses and be the sole breadwinner of the family, my current financial status won't allow me to. and that's what's making me real sad and depressed that i, being such a crybaby when it comes to matters concerning the people i love, ended up crying again when i promised myself not to be a crybaby anymore.

b, however, made me forget about my awful morning kickoff. a simple task of looking for printer ink and paying the bills turned out to be such a wonderful thing to do. despite the lousy lunch (sorry b, but having the same meal just days apart doesn't please me, we can go back to pho hoa maybe after a month or so), i had such a great time laughing for the rest of the day. i think i've also devoured too much sweet stuff which made me a little high and caused me to be a bit hyper and louder than i normally am.

what really made my day was the short nap i took with b. i was pretending to be asleep when i heard him whispering sweet words to my ears thinking that i was already in slumberland. my heart beat faster and though i wanted to reply and do my own sugary speech, i continued to play sleeping beauty and waited for more. and true enough, there was more. sigh, this guy really loves me so much!

to b, i want you to know that i appreciate every little thing you did for me today. the kulit hirits from the time we stepped out of pho hoa til we got home, the guitar playing, the snuggling, the short but sulit nap, and the sweet words. it was really a breather from all these mixed thoughts and emotions i've been having about what happened this morning. thank you sooo much! iloveyou! mmwah!

life is a game. play it.

A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. Teams must successfully complete one of the tasks described on the clue in order to receive their next clue. One task is typically an easier option that takes more time to complete, while the other is usually a difficult or frightening option that can be finished quickly.
-- The Amazing Race from wikipedia.com

a friend of mine is torn between staying in Singapore and going back home. during the start of our conversation, he seemed pretty sure of going back here. when asked for my opinion if it's the right thing to do, i gave him my most honest answer, NO, without seeing the complete picture. only because there's this teeny part inside of me that wanted to be in his shoes, working in a foreign country where the government can discipline its people resulting to low crime rates and successful economy as compared to my country where the government itself can't discipline the people working within it. when my friend told me his reasons, that's only when i understood his dilemma. it's not about working in the land of milk and honey but it's about pursuing a career and taking care of family. it really is a tough choice.

i told him about how i believe that whatever choices we make always leads us to the right path. it's not a matter of making the right decision because what we choose will always be the right one. if we believe in God, that is, he has it all planned for us. of course, i'm not talking about the good vs. evil here, i'm referring to 2 paths that both lead to a certain destination but each having a different set of bumps and obstacles along the way.

our conversation reminded me of The Amazing Race show where teams follow clues and instructions and race their way to the finish line where a million dollars await them (i won't go into the full details but if you want to know more about the show, click here). obviously, the million dollar prize represents our goal in life. along the way of fulfilling our goals we may have to deal with detours, which, however distinctive they are with each other, will still lead us to the finish line. each and everyone of us are into this race towards our goals. when we are going to reach them depends on our individual strategies and maybe sometimes, out of luck. other people may get to the finish line first and we may get eliminated in the middle of the race but remember, life is a game. there's no limit as to how many times you can play.

i remember i was asked this question while i was still in college: is life a game or a gamble? being a pessimistic then, i said life is a gamble because there's a lot of risk involved in order to survive in this world. my recent transformation to being a positive thinker made me eat my words. pulling the slot machines fast enough won't ensure you a win, neither would a special style of throwing the dice. gambling involves luck and luck alone. and that's no way to achieve your dreams.

problems are not the problem, coping is the problem

i am impressed by people who display a cheerful facade no matter how big their problems may seem. take our laundrywoman for example, she never fails to greet everyone in our home with an energetic and singsongy "good morning" coupled with a sweet smile. she also always has a good story to tell or a pleasant comment to throw at anyone who passes by our backyard where the laundry station is. to think that she has this backbreaking job of washing and ironing more than 50 kilos of clothes in a day and that what she is earning is not enough to feed a family of 10, she still manages to be enthusiastic about life. even lifting other spirits up with her sunny disposition.

i stayed home all day. the ambiance here is reeeeaal heavy resulting from the silent treatment between my mom and dad and the former's whole day crying marathon. since morning, i tried confronting each of them to ask what the problem was and neither said a thing. as much as i don't want to meddle in their husband-wife affairs, i can't help but be concerned because the issue (whatever it is) has been here for too long and it's affecting the rest of the family.

i believe in the power of compromise. i have read somewhere that "compromise, if not the spice of life, is its solidity. it is what makes nations great and marriages happy". basing on my own experience, this text is true. when i learned how to compromise with b (he's always been a "fan" of it), our relationship moved on to the next level. everything with him is just complete bliss. we don't seem to have anything to fight about anymore and when we do, it just goes under the category of petty quarrels which we now know how to handle with grace.

next to proper communication and trust, i think compromise is what's missing in my parents' relationship with each other. one will just cry in a corner without the other one knowing that there is something wrong. one will speak her heart out without the other one paying attention. one will guzzle up several bottles of beer thinking it will help solve the problem. one will suggest what's needed to be done while the other won't cooperate for such absurd reasons.

sigh, i hope they can resolve this soon. if only they will open up with me, maybe i can give them tips on how to have a better relationship. *wink*

been to the future and back

it's a rainy friday evening. b and i are soaking in the tub, losing ourselves in the sweet aroma of the body shop's vanilla bubble bath. with lighted candles all around, the next 30 minutes were spent in blissful oblivion.

after that relaxing bath, i went to the kitchen and prepared a pot of hot chamomile tea with the sound of annie lennox's waiting in vain (and the rest of the serendipity soundtrack) in the background. i am in such a laidback mood today because of the weather (and the bubble bath!). except from the hassle of going out with umbrella, battling with the puddles of water slash mud all around and the set of flood-landslide-disease catastrophe that it brings (lucky for me who lives in the south of metro manila, our drainage system has been working perfectly fine so i haven't had to deal with these), i have always loved rain. primarily because b and i have a number of special memories with this particular weather condition. memories which i call the "rain spells".

back in the lounge room, b opened up the drapes in one of our pad's floor to ceiling window then piled a bunch of my fluffy pillows collection beside it. we sat there sipping tea from our cute teenie tea cups that we recently bought from starbucks, watching the breathtaking makati skyline get drenched in the rain. reminiscing of this wonderful rainy friday night gimmick we once had, we wished we could go back to that time and relive the moment.

*poof*

suddenly here we are at July 14, 2006 11:56 pm. b and i are hanging out at an outdoor coffee shop watching the rain and whiffing up the breeze from the nearby sea. we've just had another wonderful day to add to our "rain spells" and we can't help but visualize more moments like this in the future.

my hormones is not an excuse

dear b,

thank you for always being patient with me. i have no right to blame my hormones for my behavior because i know i can choose not to act like a b*tch. i'm really really sorry dearie. i promise i'll make it up to you tomorrow. mmmwah!

p.s. i'm looking forward to living with you in our dream home. *wink* iloveyousomuch!